Carey Marcella McClintock

by Stan McClintock

Carey would be 40 years old today (March 24). She was the youngest of my three beautiful daughters and I know how much her sisters miss her. I hope that anyone who reads this can somehow appreciate the depth of our loss.

I recently read these words offered by grieving parents in The Compassionate Friends newsletter I receive each month. I share these thoughts because they truly convey how I feel about Carey’s tragic death.

“A black hole has been blown through our souls and it often does not allow the light to escape.  It is a difficult place.  For us to enter there is to be cut deeply, and torn anew, each time we go there, by the jagged edges of our loss.  Yet we return again and again, for that is where she now resides.  This will be so for years to come and it will change us profoundly.  At some point in the distant future the edges of that hole will have tempered and softened but the empty space will remain…a life sentence.

We grieve for Carey, in part, through talking about her and our feelings for having lost her.  Some go there with us, others cannot and, through their denial add a further measure, however unwittingly, to an already heavy burden.  Her memory is sustained through speaking about her.  Deny this and you deny her life.  Deny her life and you have no place in ours.

We know we will have recovered when, as we have read, it is no longer so painful to be normal.  We do not know who we will be at that point or who will still be with us.

There will come a time, quite some number of years down the road, when the balance between the desperate awareness of what we have lost when Carey died will be somewhat balanced by the warm and joyful memories of what we had with her when she lived.”

“ I forgive……

I’ve heard advice for the bereaved that forgiveness is an important part of “healing”. I’ve worked hard at that elusive forgiveness, and came to the realization today that I am actually able to forgive quite a lot.

I forgive myself for not forgiving the people that caused by daughter’s death. Some things are just not “forgivable” and she would understand.

I forgive others for sharing their “miracles” with me, not understanding how cruelly this attacks my heart, as I wonder where my daughter’s miracle was.

I forgive others for not understanding me. I don’t understand anything anymore, so I can’t expect others to understand me either.

I forgive myself for not being able to do all the things I used to be able to do. I don’t function as well as I used to, and that’s okay.

I forgive others for continuing to live in that other world where I once lived with my daughter. It’s a good world, and I miss it a lot.

I forgive myself for no longer fitting into that world and not always be able to fake it. I am different now.

I forgive others for avoiding me. They don’t know what to say and quite frankly, that leaves me with nothing to say to them either.

I forgive my daughter for leaving me. She loved life and she loved me. I believe she loves me still.

This is probably not what people mean when they say we need to “forgive”, but it’s the best I can do. It’s enough that I can do anything at all, and maybe they will forgive me as well.”

Happy Birthday Carey….I Love You, Dad